| June 26 '03:
Dear Diary:
I think my life changed today. I was in the video store and the clerks
were playing Frisbee with some DVD's. I got hit on the side of the
head by one of them, and there was the most beautiful man in the
world! He was pictured with some other guys--a guy who was dressed
up like one of the Beatles back in '64, a kid who'd fallen on the
floor and apparently couldn't get up, a bald guy, and a guy with
a dumb expression. MY MAN was looking up at a television on the front
cover, and sitting on a tan couch on the back cover, and he had the
most incredible black curly hair I've ever seen. Orny, Orny, Orny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
Fan
July 6 '03
Dear Diary:
I've discovered
that My Dream Man is a comedian and his name is Orny Adams. That
must be what the other guys were doing in the picture; they must
be members of MY MAN's comical group. I hope they're as good
as he is. Oh, Orny, I love your sharp little chin!
Love, Horny
Fan
July 13 '03:
Dear Diary:
I was finally able to tear my eyes off the DVD cover long enough to listen
to the music. AND I learned that Orny's name is actually Orny Adams
(notice that there are 2 L's in his name--isn't he a DARLING????!!!!!!!!!).
Adam the Tiger is the best drummer in the world! He HAS to be, 'cause
he's just too sexy for words! So, hide your heads in shame, John
Bonham and Charlie Watts! Adam Orny is here to stay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
Fan
July 20 '03:
Dear Diary:
I really wish that kid would stop yelling through his nose, and those
microphone-playing oafs would turn their amps down a little so I
could hear Adam's voice better. I love the beginning of Adam's voice
in that little ditty "The Comedian": Ta tum ta tum tum
tum!!!!!! My Orny is a GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
Fan
July 27 '03:
Dear Diary:
Found an old book with lots of pictures of AdamYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish those two monkey boy brothers would stop blocking my view
of Adam. Adam looks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEET in his striped t-shirt!
But in the picture he's cut off his adorable CURLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Or maybe it's an old picture where he hasn't had time to grow out
his crowning glory! Sigh--what a MAN!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
Fan
August 4 '03:
Dear Diary:
I love looking at the liner notes for My Fave DVD; by now, I've stopped
staring at Adam!!!!! long enough to read the title of the DVD: "The
Comedian". That means: The Comedian Adam You're The Man For
Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, back to the liner notes, the first thing
you see when you open the liner notes is a picture of those two snotty
brothers--NO Adam!!!!!!!!! But his NAME is on the second page: Orny Adams -- voice. Deee-Rums!!!!!! There's a little photo of Adam!!!!!!!!!
on page 4 under more pictures of those brothers who seem to try to
hog all the attention. Adam is in a shot under a lamp with the balding
guy and the dopey kid. There's a shot of Adam!!!!!!!!!!! all by himself
on page 6; he looks like he's about to pucker up for a kiss!! Still,
my beating heart!!!!! There are more pictures of the brothers, who
seem to do little else besides smoke cigarettes and drink beer--UNLIKE
MY Adam!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE ON PAGE 8 THERE'S A PICTURE OF Adam EITHER
READING A CARD OR FILING HIS FINGERNAILS!!!!!!!!!!!! Page 10--OH,
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Adam's got a cigarette in his mouth!!!!!!!!! Say
it isn't so!!!!!!!! I just hope he's only trying to look tough and
isn't actually inhaling that nasty smoke.
Love, Horny
Fan
August 11 '03:
Dear Diary:
How does this sound? Mrs. Orny Adams. Horny McCarroll. Mrs. Horny
McCarroll. Hello, I'm Orny Adams and this is my lovely wife,
Horny. Pleased to meet you; I'm Mrs. Orny Adams. Yes, Orny Adams
is my husband; oh, yes, I'm very proud of him. He leads a rock-n-roll
group called Orny Adams and the . Mrs. Orny Adams. Horny
McCarroll. Mr. and Mrs. Orny Adams. Sigh. Someday . . .
Love, Horny
Fan
August 18 '03:
Dear Diary:
No time to visit today! I'm off to get Adam's second album with the two
pointy-headed brothers and the other two ugly guys. I think it's
called "What's the Story--Good Morning, Adam!" Tell ya
all about it next week, Diary!
Love, Horny
Fan(the future Mrs. Orny Adams)
August 23, 2003
Dear Diary,
Hi! It's your own dear Horny, back again! I just got the second yearbook
from Emory and the ! It's called "What's the Story--Good
Morning,!" Yes, Diary Dear, I KNOW that's not PRINTED on the
yearbook, but that's the way it IS!!!!!!!!!!! Haven't had time to
listen to it yet (I'm making myself a Adam Collage for my walls and
ceiling!), but I can't say much for the cover. It's a stupid blurry
photo of a couple of guys walking around on a street in some dump
of a town, and judging by the knuckle-dragging, I'd guess it's one
or both of the Monkey Brothers. I think they are deliberately trying
to downplay my Adam's role in HIS band.
Love, Horny
August 26, 2003
Dear Diary,
Hello, my friend!!!!!!!!! I just got to see a video from my new favorite
band Orny Adams and the . The song is SUPPOSEDLY called "Live
Forever" (but if one of The Brothers wrote it [I think Adam
wrote it, of course, and was just being generous to his pets], it
should be called "Stink Forever". Anyway, The Brothers
and their two ugly axe players BURIED my Adam!!!!!!!!!!!! Adam lay
down in a HOLE in the GROUND and they shovelled DIRT on him!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I was really upset at first, and then I
realized: In three days, they will play the video of a new song in
which Adam will rise from the dead!!!!!!!!!! My beautiful Phoenix,
rising from his own ashes! I can't WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
August 30, 2003
Dear Diary,
Hello there, darling! I had SUCH a disappointing day! I watched the video
music channel ALL DAY--24 HOURS STRAIGHT--and didn't see Adam's new
video! Poodle poo!!!!!!!! I did have to go brush my teeth because
my mother was complaining my teeth would rot into curds and whey,
so maybe they played the video while I was scrubbing out my mouth.
It tears me up to THINK it!!!!!
Love, Horny
September 3,
2003
Dear Diary,
Well, I fumed about it all night! How UNJUST and TERRIBLE it is that
I missed Adam's video yesterday, the one where he rises from the
dead. My little brother is such a nerd, he said that Adam would come
out of the ground and be, like, a ZOMBIE, all covered with dirt and
trying to eat Noel Gallagher's (whoever that is) brains, but I cuffed
his ears until they bled--THAT shut him up!
Love, Horny
September 6, 2003,
Well, Dear Diary, I couldn't stand it anymore! I called up MTV to give
them a PIECE OF MY MIND!!!!!!! They said that I was (The F-Word)
Nuts, because they NEVER play videos--no matter how good they
are, and I must've been hallucinating the whole thing. They asked
me to send them some of my "weed"???!!!!!Of course I CORRECTED
them in their mistake--the band is Orny Adams AND THE !!!!!
They didn't seem to know what I was talking about. What a bunch of
dodos--no wonder their ratings are slipping!
Love, Horny
September 9, 2003
Dear Diary,
At least I taped that "Live Forever" video so I can watch it
again and again until I understand its concepts. The closest thing I
can come to a "concept" is that they put the snotty kid in
a chair nailed up on the side of a building. I kept hoping he'd fall
off in what is apparently his usual drunken stupor, but no such luck.
Maybe this means "high chair" (see? high up on a building?)?
Babies use high chairs. Maybe this means that Adam wasn't resurrected
in the classical sense, but rather, I should watch for his second coming
as a reincarnation! So now I'm watching The New Mouseketeers to see if
I see Adam as a little boy.
Love, Horny
September 14, 2003
Dear Diary:
No adorable, curly-haired moppets on the Mouseketeers show, so Adam must
have been resurrected instead of reincarnated, after all. I searched
the "What's the Story" yearbook liner notes for a clue.
I was crying so hard I couldn't read the teeny tiny writing, but
I DID look at the pictures. There are a lot of photos of of eyeballs,
eyebrows, microphones, the back of someone's head (straight dark
hair, so it's probably not my Adam), and some girl with very long
eyelashes. And there are a couple of little shots of a guy with sunglasses
and very short (unfortunately straight) hair; I wondered if Adam
had cut all his lovely hair off, but the chin isn't NOBLE enough
to be Adam's. I don't know who these people are! Where, oh where,
is my Adam?????????!!!!!!!!!!! There is also a larger photo in the
liner notes of what appears to be a blue Smurf doll in a jar of sugar,
but it bears a closer resemblance to the non-singing brother than
it does to my Adam. What is going on here? I must find out!
Love, Horny
October 2,
2003 Hi, Diary
! Oops, silly me! That's Dear Diary to you! YOU'RE not the non-singing
brother's wife, lucky you! It's been raining here, so I've been reading
Shakespeare. Do you think Mark Anthony in "Julis Caesar" was
related to Emory? Adam IS short for Anthony.
Love, Horny
October 10, 2003 Hello, Diary!
I finally
had time to listen to "What's the Story--Good Morning, Adam" (I
REFUSE to call it by THAT OTHER NAME)--Adam's drumming has--if
such a thing is possible--gotten even BETTER!!!!!!!!!! My Man
is the Sultan of SWAT!!!!!!!!!
Love, Horny
October 12, 2003
Dear Diary:
It's MMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided to dress up as My Adam for Halloween! Just wait
till I tell you about my new costume and my NEW LOOK!!!!"
Love, Horny
November 1, 2003
Dear Diary:
Hi, dearie--didja
miss me? I wish I'd remembered to take a photo of myself in my
Adam Halloween costume! I was ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!! I put on a
black, curly wig, a Raggedy Ann dress, and I borrowed some darling
little pink shoes that curled at the toes. I looked JUST LIKE
MY MAN--only not as handsome, of course. I went all over town,
collecting candy, and it was really weird: People asked me who
I was dressed up as at every house I went to. I think they were
trying to humor me--or maybe they liked hearing me squeal, "Orny Adams!!!!!!!!!!!!" I got lots and lots of candy--ESPECIALLY
Snickers chocolate bars!
Love, Horny
November 12, 2003
Dear Diary:
GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a guy walking down the street who LOOKED JUST LIKE MY Adam!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ran up to him screaming, "Marry me! Marry me! Marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!" but
he ran away before I could catch up with him . . . ah, well--TOMORROW
IS ANOTHER DAY!!!
Love, Horny
November 28, 2003
Dear Diary:
Hi, there,
dear one! It's been an exciting couple of weeks, and I'm so sorry
I haven't written in you sooner--you must be so lonely, poor
thing. Well, my rich uncle FINALLY died and left me fifty million
pounds sterling! So GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! We're moving out of
London to MANCHESTER TO FIND Adam!!!!!!!!!! I'm so tired of living
in Hyde Park I could scream. We're going to live where Our Adam
lives!
Love, Your
Horny
December 8, 2003
Dear Diary:
I have so
much news! We went house-hunting today! My mum isn't too crazy
about me moving out of the house and off to Manchester since
I'm only 15 years old, but what can she say to me now?! I got
all the money--ha ha ha! Uncle Toodles liked ME best! If only
Adam liked me best! But he WILL, Dear Diary, HE WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All we have to do is find him.
Love, Horny
December 10, 2003
Dear Diary:
We looked
at houses with their own names and post codes. One of them was
called, I think, Slobberover Heights. One of the monkey brothers
used to live there in what surely must have been filth and squalor.
Of course WE wouldn't live in a pigpen like that, but if our
beloved Adam wanted to stay there for a lark, we could certainly
manage . . . But we must be patient and FIND him first! Shouldn't
be TOO hard; there CAN'T be many men that handsome walking the
face of the Earth!
Love, Horny
January 11, 2004
Dear Diary:
It's been
so BUSY lately, dear heart! Moving in next door to Slobberover
Heights (that pig sty) and buying furniture, and lots and lots
of cereal!!!!!! I like American Frosted Flakes best because their
mascot is named for Orny Adams!!!! But I read somewhere that
Adam Mac's favorite cereal is Froot Loops, so I'm trying to find
some of that. By the by, Dearest Diary--I have a brand new BEST
FRIEND!!!! I just met this nice man named Meg Matthews who used
to live here at Slobberover Heights and he's told me the most
outrageous stories! Of course I'm only interested in hearing
them if My Adam is in them. Ta ta!
Love always,
Horny
January 23,
2003
Dear Diary:
Mr. Meg just
told me that Adam's ex-bandmates fired their latest drummer.
IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!!!!! I didn't even know they had replaced Adam--I
mean, how COULD they???!!!!!!! Well, they've FINALLY wised up!
I want to start seeing My Adam in concert! Mr. Meg suggests I
write to the big brother, Noel (?) and ask him to bring Adam
back. She says he always likes getting letters from jailbait
(whatever THAT is). I can't wait to turn 16 so people will start
taking me seriously! I'll keep you posted, Diary Dear, so keep
me in your heart and I'll keep you in mine (ALONG WITH T-O-N-Y!!!!!!!!!)!!!!!
Love, Your
Horny
Feb 26, 2003
Dear Diary:
WHY OH WHY
do I even bother! I spent Valentine's Day ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!!
WITHOUT MY Adam!!!!!!!!!!! He should KNOW how much I love him!
I think loving thoughts and try to mentally beam them out to
him, but he hasn't read my mind yet. I know that if he just would,
he'd show up on my doorstep with flowers and candy. I'll be 16
soon--I'm SUPPOSED to have flowers and candy!!!!! I'm so DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!
WHY doesn't Adam love me?!!! Just because he's never MET me,
doesn't mean he WON'T, right, Diary Dear? Mr. Meg suggested I
go out on the street corner in town and hand out Valentine's
Day cards to every guy who comes by, and maybe I'll run into
Adam that way. He was laughing, but Mr. Meg is my very best friend,
and wouldn't tell me to do something that would just make a fool
out of me. I'm so lucky to have a good, platonic friend like
Meg. I think Mr. Meg is gay, though, because he dates some other
guy. I don't know his name, but he is very rich, and Meg calls
him The New Sucker and sometimes The Trick whenever he's not
around. But my New Year's Resolution is that I'll learn how to
meet my Adam and make him love me! Next year, I'll get enough
candy to cause a diabetes epidemic! Tomorrow is always full of
promise, Diary--I just have to remember that!
Hopefully yours,
Horny
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